In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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