his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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