I'm gonna have a badass scar
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
