Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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