I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
