..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
