Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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