Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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