Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
