Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
