I puked a lego.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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