True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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