just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
