Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
