sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
