Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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