my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
