You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
