Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I currently don't understand fingers.
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