I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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