i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
