having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
