Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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