I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
