i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Someone shit on the floor
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
