It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
