she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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