i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
