i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
