my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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