I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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