somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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