So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I can text with my tongue
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
