I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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