im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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