Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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