I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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