Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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