Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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