I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
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