Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
