So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
