i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
We got so high we made milksteak
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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