I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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