here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
