Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize