There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
