he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
