My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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