so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
