I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
