this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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