My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
