I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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