i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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