Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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