I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
